Building Your Business? Build Your PeopleBy Catherine Palin-Brinkworth
What an exciting thing to do - develop a successful business! For me, it's about alchemy - that amazing and mysterious process of creating something wonderfully valuable out of bits and pieces. It reads like a recipe book, really. Take one good idea, add heaps of energy and hard work, gradually mix in well thought-out systems and strategies, and turn it out through a set of highly effective people.
Sound familiar to you? It is to me. I've been part of the building and developing of at least four dynamic, successful enterprises, both as an employee back in my corporate days, and most recently in my own business. We're in a tremendous stage of growth and development right now at my company, Progress Productions, and I'm reminded every day of some of the most important Principles for Progress that I share with my clients and continually reinforce for myself.
Here are five principals that can make a significant difference:
1. People will always perform for their reasons, not yours. If I want my team to go and grow with me, I need to find out continually what excites them. What are their personal drivers and inhibitors? What are their psychological needs around their work environment? What are their fears and concerns, and how can I help them manage them? What are their values and goals, and how can I ensure they are in alignment with mine? It is important to remember that all your strategic planning, your goals and your objectives will be useless if you need other people to help you make them happen and those people don't have the same level of commitment to them as you.
2. People can only perform up to the level of belief they have in themselves. This was a major discovery for me. I also discovered for myself, during my early years in management, the tremendous power of the "Pygmalion Effect" - people largely live up to my expectation of them. So I've learned that if I want to build my business through my people, I have to build their own belief in their capacity to achieve. This belief must be nurtured, not to the point of any delusion about current performance, but with a real conviction about potential. If I want to lift their achievement, I must help them lift their self-belief first.
3. People want floors, flexible walls and no ceilings. While we are growing, we usually want a level of security beneath us, a floor or a foundation. Keep your people informed of your plans and your activities, so they know where they stand. Allow them flexibility of operation, within specified measurable frameworks, and let them know the sky is the limit, for achievement, for recognition and for reward.
4. People treasure recognition and need to own responsibility for creating it. Everywhere I speak and consult, people tell me they don't get enough recognition. Sad, isn't it? I usually ask them how much recognition they give. They look at me as if I'm crazy, but a good culture of recognition is carefully and deliberately developed, with praise and appreciation shown both up and down, and sideways, in a team. Find fun ways to encourage everyone in your team to recognise achievement in others, but be careful to keep it genuine, spontaneous and both individual and team based. Teach your team to ask for feedback if they're not receiving recognition the way they want it, and teach them they own the responsibility for earning it, too.
5. All people are creative. Each one of us has created our life just the way we choose to have it, or at least the way we've settled for it. Those of us who have been told we are creative (the "Pygmalion Effect") will probably use our creativity courageously. Others who haven't had their creativity encouraged will mostly believe they are uncreative. I suggest you encourage your people to be positively creative and innovative.
Building a business is hugely rewarding, and building your people is equally rewarding. Seeing your people develop as a result of your encouragement, mentoring and management is a great joy!
About the author: Catherine Palin-Brinkworth is an international presenter, consultant and author on business and personal success strategies. She holds a Masters Degree in Social Ecology and is a Certified NLP Practitioner.
A powerful, inspirational presenter with practical and proven success skills and strategies, Catherine is in constant demand as a keynote speaker. Her web site is www.catherinepalinbrinkworth.com
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Good Article by Sarah Cornally i really liked..
Ten Top Tips for LeadersBy Sarah Cornally
Here are the ten most common areas discussed and developed during leadership coaching and mentoring sessions with senior executives.
1. Know yourself
Every experience contains insights for you about yourself and your leadership. Who are you? What are your gifts and talents? What makes you tick? What are you needs, what are your values, what are your insecurities? How do people press your buttons? What do you need to manage that?When you engage with people what do they experience? What sort of leader do you want to be?
2. Know the purpose of your leadership
Are you pursuing a passion to achieve something that meets a need, something that matters deeply to you and the others on your team? Is it virtuous? Will it serve many positively?
If you are doing it for the prestige, the power, the significance it brings you, think of the saying "If you are not enough without it, you wont be enough with it".
3. Know your domain holistically
Have you stayed curious and asked lots of questions without pre-judgement? Have you actively been searching for reality, or a version that pleases you? Have you made it genuinely safe for people to tell you what they really think and feel? Everyone's perception is true and valid for them. Have you got a 360° degree perspective on the situation? Have you gone beyond the boundaries in seeking understanding of all the forces at play?
4. Create clarity & focus
Have you distilled what you have discovered into a relatively simple concept that a 5 year old could understand? Have you developed models and metaphors to enable people to understand the concept without the complexity? Are they emotionally enrolled? Are you certain they understand from their point of view? Are you reframing any misconceptions they express when they express them? Do you communicate it over and over and over to keep it clear and top of mind but in different ways so they stay inspired?
5. Ensure capability
When you look at others what do you see? Do you see them clearly or through your filters? Have you faced the truth about the talents and abilities of the people you require? Have you faced the truth about the resources you require? If you don't have them, have you developed a strategy to get them or modified your expectations to fit what you have? You can use this for growth and development of people's capability which engenders commitment, loyalty and synergy. When mistakes are made do you use them as discovery learning?
6. Be fully present
Are you 100% present with people when they are with you? Do you listen to what they say and what they mean? Do you let them know when you are preoccupied so they understand your responses.
7. Ensure alignment
Do you notice the attitudes, beliefs and behaviours in the people you lead? They are the evidence of people's subconscious drivers. Do you know what the needs are of the people you are leading? Do you meet those needs so they are free to give their best.
Are you an embodiment of the values in everything that you do and the things you say? Do people embody the values in the things they say and they way they do them? Do you encourage dialogue which explores why do people think & feel what they think & feel about xyz.
Do you embrace conflict as a healthy source of energy? Do you focus on your objectives and develop it into creativity and innovation?
8. Establish and maintain the standards
Finding a balance between freedom and responsibility is important. Do people know what the standards are? Do you uphold them? Are you fair and consistent in the way you deal with these issues? Are you respected for your standards? It is important that the standards make sense and are consistent with what you are trying to achieve.
Having something to live up to builds self esteem. We respond well to challenge as long as it stretches us and we have a sense it is potentially within our reach. It's the leader's role to maintain the creative tension that leads to results.
9. Build bridges
Have you stopped and thought about what the different talents and contributions are between you and the people you are leading? Do you respect and honour that difference. Mostly you are in a leadership position because you have more advanced expertise, more detailed understanding, greater experience or a bigger perspective than the people you are leading. Remember that, your role is to build bridges of understanding so they can succeed in areas you already know and they can give you the insights they have that you need.
10. Face reality & deal with what you find
Do you realise that whatever results you are getting is evidence of your leadership? It's natural to defend yourself and blame others when something doesn't work out. Leaders take full responsibility for the results. Honour your intentions. Ask yourself why that happened? What did you do that contributed to the issues? What could you do differently next time to get a better outcome?
Generally people don't set out to cause problems, they do the best they know how in most situations. Leadership is about enabling people to deliver their best and in the process you discover your best.
About the author: Sarah Cornally trained as an Occupational Therapist. With 17 years experience she specialised in Occupational Rehabilitation & Injury Prevention. For 20 years she has consulted to government, industry & commerce on how to achieve outcomes through people. Her clients include the Who's Who of business. She has presented on many leadership programs including St James Ethics Centre's Sir Vincent Fairfax leadership awards program. Her business, Leading People, advises and coaches leaders on how to shape people's performance to turn their visions into reality. She is National President of the National Speakers Association of Australia (2000-2002). Visit http://www.sarahcornally.com for more information.
Here are the ten most common areas discussed and developed during leadership coaching and mentoring sessions with senior executives.
1. Know yourself
Every experience contains insights for you about yourself and your leadership. Who are you? What are your gifts and talents? What makes you tick? What are you needs, what are your values, what are your insecurities? How do people press your buttons? What do you need to manage that?When you engage with people what do they experience? What sort of leader do you want to be?
2. Know the purpose of your leadership
Are you pursuing a passion to achieve something that meets a need, something that matters deeply to you and the others on your team? Is it virtuous? Will it serve many positively?
If you are doing it for the prestige, the power, the significance it brings you, think of the saying "If you are not enough without it, you wont be enough with it".
3. Know your domain holistically
Have you stayed curious and asked lots of questions without pre-judgement? Have you actively been searching for reality, or a version that pleases you? Have you made it genuinely safe for people to tell you what they really think and feel? Everyone's perception is true and valid for them. Have you got a 360° degree perspective on the situation? Have you gone beyond the boundaries in seeking understanding of all the forces at play?
4. Create clarity & focus
Have you distilled what you have discovered into a relatively simple concept that a 5 year old could understand? Have you developed models and metaphors to enable people to understand the concept without the complexity? Are they emotionally enrolled? Are you certain they understand from their point of view? Are you reframing any misconceptions they express when they express them? Do you communicate it over and over and over to keep it clear and top of mind but in different ways so they stay inspired?
5. Ensure capability
When you look at others what do you see? Do you see them clearly or through your filters? Have you faced the truth about the talents and abilities of the people you require? Have you faced the truth about the resources you require? If you don't have them, have you developed a strategy to get them or modified your expectations to fit what you have? You can use this for growth and development of people's capability which engenders commitment, loyalty and synergy. When mistakes are made do you use them as discovery learning?
6. Be fully present
Are you 100% present with people when they are with you? Do you listen to what they say and what they mean? Do you let them know when you are preoccupied so they understand your responses.
7. Ensure alignment
Do you notice the attitudes, beliefs and behaviours in the people you lead? They are the evidence of people's subconscious drivers. Do you know what the needs are of the people you are leading? Do you meet those needs so they are free to give their best.
Are you an embodiment of the values in everything that you do and the things you say? Do people embody the values in the things they say and they way they do them? Do you encourage dialogue which explores why do people think & feel what they think & feel about xyz.
Do you embrace conflict as a healthy source of energy? Do you focus on your objectives and develop it into creativity and innovation?
8. Establish and maintain the standards
Finding a balance between freedom and responsibility is important. Do people know what the standards are? Do you uphold them? Are you fair and consistent in the way you deal with these issues? Are you respected for your standards? It is important that the standards make sense and are consistent with what you are trying to achieve.
Having something to live up to builds self esteem. We respond well to challenge as long as it stretches us and we have a sense it is potentially within our reach. It's the leader's role to maintain the creative tension that leads to results.
9. Build bridges
Have you stopped and thought about what the different talents and contributions are between you and the people you are leading? Do you respect and honour that difference. Mostly you are in a leadership position because you have more advanced expertise, more detailed understanding, greater experience or a bigger perspective than the people you are leading. Remember that, your role is to build bridges of understanding so they can succeed in areas you already know and they can give you the insights they have that you need.
10. Face reality & deal with what you find
Do you realise that whatever results you are getting is evidence of your leadership? It's natural to defend yourself and blame others when something doesn't work out. Leaders take full responsibility for the results. Honour your intentions. Ask yourself why that happened? What did you do that contributed to the issues? What could you do differently next time to get a better outcome?
Generally people don't set out to cause problems, they do the best they know how in most situations. Leadership is about enabling people to deliver their best and in the process you discover your best.
About the author: Sarah Cornally trained as an Occupational Therapist. With 17 years experience she specialised in Occupational Rehabilitation & Injury Prevention. For 20 years she has consulted to government, industry & commerce on how to achieve outcomes through people. Her clients include the Who's Who of business. She has presented on many leadership programs including St James Ethics Centre's Sir Vincent Fairfax leadership awards program. Her business, Leading People, advises and coaches leaders on how to shape people's performance to turn their visions into reality. She is National President of the National Speakers Association of Australia (2000-2002). Visit http://www.sarahcornally.com for more information.
really worth reading
Ten Top Tips for LeadersBy Sarah Cornally
Here are the ten most common areas discussed and developed during leadership coaching and mentoring sessions with senior executives.
1. Know yourself
Every experience contains insights for you about yourself and your leadership. Who are you? What are your gifts and talents? What makes you tick? What are you needs, what are your values, what are your insecurities? How do people press your buttons? What do you need to manage that?When you engage with people what do they experience? What sort of leader do you want to be?
2. Know the purpose of your leadership
Are you pursuing a passion to achieve something that meets a need, something that matters deeply to you and the others on your team? Is it virtuous? Will it serve many positively?
If you are doing it for the prestige, the power, the significance it brings you, think of the saying "If you are not enough without it, you wont be enough with it".
3. Know your domain holistically
Have you stayed curious and asked lots of questions without pre-judgement? Have you actively been searching for reality, or a version that pleases you? Have you made it genuinely safe for people to tell you what they really think and feel? Everyone's perception is true and valid for them. Have you got a 360° degree perspective on the situation? Have you gone beyond the boundaries in seeking understanding of all the forces at play?
4. Create clarity & focus
Have you distilled what you have discovered into a relatively simple concept that a 5 year old could understand? Have you developed models and metaphors to enable people to understand the concept without the complexity? Are they emotionally enrolled? Are you certain they understand from their point of view? Are you reframing any misconceptions they express when they express them? Do you communicate it over and over and over to keep it clear and top of mind but in different ways so they stay inspired?
5. Ensure capability
When you look at others what do you see? Do you see them clearly or through your filters? Have you faced the truth about the talents and abilities of the people you require? Have you faced the truth about the resources you require? If you don't have them, have you developed a strategy to get them or modified your expectations to fit what you have? You can use this for growth and development of people's capability which engenders commitment, loyalty and synergy. When mistakes are made do you use them as discovery learning?
6. Be fully present
Are you 100% present with people when they are with you? Do you listen to what they say and what they mean? Do you let them know when you are preoccupied so they understand your responses.
7. Ensure alignment
Do you notice the attitudes, beliefs and behaviours in the people you lead? They are the evidence of people's subconscious drivers. Do you know what the needs are of the people you are leading? Do you meet those needs so they are free to give their best.
Are you an embodiment of the values in everything that you do and the things you say? Do people embody the values in the things they say and they way they do them? Do you encourage dialogue which explores why do people think & feel what they think & feel about xyz.
Do you embrace conflict as a healthy source of energy? Do you focus on your objectives and develop it into creativity and innovation?
8. Establish and maintain the standards
Finding a balance between freedom and responsibility is important. Do people know what the standards are? Do you uphold them? Are you fair and consistent in the way you deal with these issues? Are you respected for your standards? It is important that the standards make sense and are consistent with what you are trying to achieve.
Having something to live up to builds self esteem. We respond well to challenge as long as it stretches us and we have a sense it is potentially within our reach. It's the leader's role to maintain the creative tension that leads to results.
9. Build bridges
Have you stopped and thought about what the different talents and contributions are between you and the people you are leading? Do you respect and honour that difference. Mostly you are in a leadership position because you have more advanced expertise, more detailed understanding, greater experience or a bigger perspective than the people you are leading. Remember that, your role is to build bridges of understanding so they can succeed in areas you already know and they can give you the insights they have that you need.
10. Face reality & deal with what you find
Do you realise that whatever results you are getting is evidence of your leadership? It's natural to defend yourself and blame others when something doesn't work out. Leaders take full responsibility for the results. Honour your intentions. Ask yourself why that happened? What did you do that contributed to the issues? What could you do differently next time to get a better outcome?
Generally people don't set out to cause problems, they do the best they know how in most situations. Leadership is about enabling people to deliver their best and in the process you discover your best.
About the author: Sarah Cornally trained as an Occupational Therapist. With 17 years experience she specialised in Occupational Rehabilitation & Injury Prevention. For 20 years she has consulted to government, industry & commerce on how to achieve outcomes through people. Her clients include the Who's Who of business. She has presented on many leadership programs including St James Ethics Centre's Sir Vincent Fairfax leadership awards program. Her business, Leading People, advises and coaches leaders on how to shape people's performance to turn their visions into reality. She is National President of the National Speakers Association of Australia (2000-2002). Visit http://www.sarahcornally.com for more information.
Here are the ten most common areas discussed and developed during leadership coaching and mentoring sessions with senior executives.
1. Know yourself
Every experience contains insights for you about yourself and your leadership. Who are you? What are your gifts and talents? What makes you tick? What are you needs, what are your values, what are your insecurities? How do people press your buttons? What do you need to manage that?When you engage with people what do they experience? What sort of leader do you want to be?
2. Know the purpose of your leadership
Are you pursuing a passion to achieve something that meets a need, something that matters deeply to you and the others on your team? Is it virtuous? Will it serve many positively?
If you are doing it for the prestige, the power, the significance it brings you, think of the saying "If you are not enough without it, you wont be enough with it".
3. Know your domain holistically
Have you stayed curious and asked lots of questions without pre-judgement? Have you actively been searching for reality, or a version that pleases you? Have you made it genuinely safe for people to tell you what they really think and feel? Everyone's perception is true and valid for them. Have you got a 360° degree perspective on the situation? Have you gone beyond the boundaries in seeking understanding of all the forces at play?
4. Create clarity & focus
Have you distilled what you have discovered into a relatively simple concept that a 5 year old could understand? Have you developed models and metaphors to enable people to understand the concept without the complexity? Are they emotionally enrolled? Are you certain they understand from their point of view? Are you reframing any misconceptions they express when they express them? Do you communicate it over and over and over to keep it clear and top of mind but in different ways so they stay inspired?
5. Ensure capability
When you look at others what do you see? Do you see them clearly or through your filters? Have you faced the truth about the talents and abilities of the people you require? Have you faced the truth about the resources you require? If you don't have them, have you developed a strategy to get them or modified your expectations to fit what you have? You can use this for growth and development of people's capability which engenders commitment, loyalty and synergy. When mistakes are made do you use them as discovery learning?
6. Be fully present
Are you 100% present with people when they are with you? Do you listen to what they say and what they mean? Do you let them know when you are preoccupied so they understand your responses.
7. Ensure alignment
Do you notice the attitudes, beliefs and behaviours in the people you lead? They are the evidence of people's subconscious drivers. Do you know what the needs are of the people you are leading? Do you meet those needs so they are free to give their best.
Are you an embodiment of the values in everything that you do and the things you say? Do people embody the values in the things they say and they way they do them? Do you encourage dialogue which explores why do people think & feel what they think & feel about xyz.
Do you embrace conflict as a healthy source of energy? Do you focus on your objectives and develop it into creativity and innovation?
8. Establish and maintain the standards
Finding a balance between freedom and responsibility is important. Do people know what the standards are? Do you uphold them? Are you fair and consistent in the way you deal with these issues? Are you respected for your standards? It is important that the standards make sense and are consistent with what you are trying to achieve.
Having something to live up to builds self esteem. We respond well to challenge as long as it stretches us and we have a sense it is potentially within our reach. It's the leader's role to maintain the creative tension that leads to results.
9. Build bridges
Have you stopped and thought about what the different talents and contributions are between you and the people you are leading? Do you respect and honour that difference. Mostly you are in a leadership position because you have more advanced expertise, more detailed understanding, greater experience or a bigger perspective than the people you are leading. Remember that, your role is to build bridges of understanding so they can succeed in areas you already know and they can give you the insights they have that you need.
10. Face reality & deal with what you find
Do you realise that whatever results you are getting is evidence of your leadership? It's natural to defend yourself and blame others when something doesn't work out. Leaders take full responsibility for the results. Honour your intentions. Ask yourself why that happened? What did you do that contributed to the issues? What could you do differently next time to get a better outcome?
Generally people don't set out to cause problems, they do the best they know how in most situations. Leadership is about enabling people to deliver their best and in the process you discover your best.
About the author: Sarah Cornally trained as an Occupational Therapist. With 17 years experience she specialised in Occupational Rehabilitation & Injury Prevention. For 20 years she has consulted to government, industry & commerce on how to achieve outcomes through people. Her clients include the Who's Who of business. She has presented on many leadership programs including St James Ethics Centre's Sir Vincent Fairfax leadership awards program. Her business, Leading People, advises and coaches leaders on how to shape people's performance to turn their visions into reality. She is National President of the National Speakers Association of Australia (2000-2002). Visit http://www.sarahcornally.com for more information.
Emotional Layers - The Onion PrincipleBy Chris Joscelyne
Some people are like a raw egg. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by a stranger, a workmate, a friend, a family member, or by a romantic partner, they start to fall apart.
Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.
Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.
Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.
The Onion Principle
Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.
Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.
Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.
Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)
Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship
Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent
Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment
Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.
It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.
Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.
The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.
Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.
I am a happy onion. Are you? If you are not, explore your inner self, identify your emotional layers and start learning how to manage your relationships with others. A good life coach can assist you if you need help.
About the author: Chris Joscelyne trained as a clinical hypnotherapist under the tutorage of Margaret Tomko. He was taught grief counselling by Mal McKissock, and he learned meditation in a course sponsored by the Department of Health. He developed his personal awareness knowledge with mentors Barbara and Terry Tebo of Lifespring.
For ten years Chris was a visiting lecturer at the Australian Film, Television and Radio School where he taught personal development, meditation and stress management skills. Now he shares his knowledge with a wider community as a speaker, trainer and coach, teaching people how to live "Life by choice - not by chance".
Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.
Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.
Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.
The Onion Principle
Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.
Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.
Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.
Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)
Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship
Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent
Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment
Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.
It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.
Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.
The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.
Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.
I am a happy onion. Are you? If you are not, explore your inner self, identify your emotional layers and start learning how to manage your relationships with others. A good life coach can assist you if you need help.
About the author: Chris Joscelyne trained as a clinical hypnotherapist under the tutorage of Margaret Tomko. He was taught grief counselling by Mal McKissock, and he learned meditation in a course sponsored by the Department of Health. He developed his personal awareness knowledge with mentors Barbara and Terry Tebo of Lifespring.
For ten years Chris was a visiting lecturer at the Australian Film, Television and Radio School where he taught personal development, meditation and stress management skills. Now he shares his knowledge with a wider community as a speaker, trainer and coach, teaching people how to live "Life by choice - not by chance".
very nice article
Emotional Layers - The Onion PrincipleBy Chris Joscelyne
Some people are like a raw egg. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by a stranger, a workmate, a friend, a family member, or by a romantic partner, they start to fall apart.
Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.
Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.
Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.
The Onion Principle
Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.
Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.
Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.
Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)
Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship
Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent
Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment
Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.
It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.
Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.
The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.
Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.
I am a happy onion. Are you? If you are not, explore your inner self, identify your emotional layers and start learning how to manage your relationships with others. A good life coach can assist you if you need help.
About the author: Chris Joscelyne trained as a clinical hypnotherapist under the tutorage of Margaret Tomko. He was taught grief counselling by Mal McKissock, and he learned meditation in a course sponsored by the Department of Health. He developed his personal awareness knowledge with mentors Barbara and Terry Tebo of Lifespring.
For ten years Chris was a visiting lecturer at the Australian Film, Television and Radio School where he taught personal development, meditation and stress management skills. Now he shares his knowledge with a wider community as a speaker, trainer and coach, teaching people how to live "Life by choice - not by chance".
Some people are like a raw egg. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by a stranger, a workmate, a friend, a family member, or by a romantic partner, they start to fall apart.
Some people are like a jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. They have no emotional barriers and they are easily manipulated and used by others.
Some people are like an onion. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer … when, and under what circumstances.
Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.
The Onion Principle
Layer 1 is the outer layer with smooth protective skin. Outside this layer is the world at large including the people we meet, do business with, work with, and with whom we have social contact.
Layer 2 is the first inner layer. This is for friends, pals and others we know and like.
Layer 3 is the next inner layer. This is for close family members, and close friends we know and trust.
Layer 4 is for romantic, trusting friendship (boyfriend/girlfriend)
Layer 5 is for embarking on a loving long-term relationship
Layer 6 is for the children if the onion is a parent
Layer 7 is for a total partnership of love and commitment
Layer 8 is the innermost layer (the place where your "inner child" lives). It is your most personal, private inner emotional space.
It is important to understand that an onion does not practice universal mistrust of others. That’s unhealthy. An onion is simply a discerning person who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to go to the next layer with another person.
Opening up a deep emotional layer to another person prematurely, especially to a person who will not, or cannot respond in kind, is a sure step towards a failed relationship. A problem for some people is that they naively confuse romantic infatuation with real love. This makes them think they can safely share their emotional layer 5 or even their layer 7 when, in reality, they should be only at emotional layer 3 or 4. If they discover that the other person has abused a deep inner emotional layer they have revealed and shared with that other person, the result can be devastating.
The happiest people I have met are the onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner.
Happy onions also know that taking responsibility for looking after their own inner emotional needs at layer 8 is the greatest gift they can give to themselves. Our inner layer needs our continuing care and attention if each of us is to thrive as an emotionally secure person.
I am a happy onion. Are you? If you are not, explore your inner self, identify your emotional layers and start learning how to manage your relationships with others. A good life coach can assist you if you need help.
About the author: Chris Joscelyne trained as a clinical hypnotherapist under the tutorage of Margaret Tomko. He was taught grief counselling by Mal McKissock, and he learned meditation in a course sponsored by the Department of Health. He developed his personal awareness knowledge with mentors Barbara and Terry Tebo of Lifespring.
For ten years Chris was a visiting lecturer at the Australian Film, Television and Radio School where he taught personal development, meditation and stress management skills. Now he shares his knowledge with a wider community as a speaker, trainer and coach, teaching people how to live "Life by choice - not by chance".
BY CHANCE OR BY CHOICE...??
By Chance or By Choice......
when I was tiny creature of God just close about my papa's legs.I pereceived people arround me in two categories those ones which were sharing their heights in centimeter,other ones similar to my papa whom to see I had to lift my eyes to the sky.As I got older I realized this picture was getting blurt day by day.In actual the world is groundfield of two players.Former one who rules the world, later one who is ruled over.This question generally come struck in my mind.Is this by chance or by choice???? But I always hear “life is how we make it” perhaps this was the thing that led a simple girl to announce proudly “I always knew I was destined for greatness(Oprah winfrey) , a boy playing in a Baroda mosque dreaming to be chrismatic cricketer(Irfan Pathan) and a corner boy in the classroom with his savoir faire claiming to be best brain of the nation accepts the hardships of his success journey“ nine out of ten things that I did were failure so I did ten times more hard work”(Prof A.P.J. Abdul Kalam) and these dream sellers proved how the hard work gravitates success.I get to thinking Is it by chance? No its not...keep in mind every Alexendra starts his world win from Macedonia.We cant decide what we are today Its by chance otherwise must have chosen to be prince of castles...what we can be it will be definitely our choice.
So on your mark......get set.......start..........
when I was tiny creature of God just close about my papa's legs.I pereceived people arround me in two categories those ones which were sharing their heights in centimeter,other ones similar to my papa whom to see I had to lift my eyes to the sky.As I got older I realized this picture was getting blurt day by day.In actual the world is groundfield of two players.Former one who rules the world, later one who is ruled over.This question generally come struck in my mind.Is this by chance or by choice???? But I always hear “life is how we make it” perhaps this was the thing that led a simple girl to announce proudly “I always knew I was destined for greatness(Oprah winfrey) , a boy playing in a Baroda mosque dreaming to be chrismatic cricketer(Irfan Pathan) and a corner boy in the classroom with his savoir faire claiming to be best brain of the nation accepts the hardships of his success journey“ nine out of ten things that I did were failure so I did ten times more hard work”(Prof A.P.J. Abdul Kalam) and these dream sellers proved how the hard work gravitates success.I get to thinking Is it by chance? No its not...keep in mind every Alexendra starts his world win from Macedonia.We cant decide what we are today Its by chance otherwise must have chosen to be prince of castles...what we can be it will be definitely our choice.
So on your mark......get set.......start..........
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